bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
