Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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