I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
