we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
