I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
