can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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