Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
