I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize