don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
