3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
