nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
