The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
