Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Shame - the story of my life.
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