It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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