My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
