forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
