I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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