im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We're too hungover to prance.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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