Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize