he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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