So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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