im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize