My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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