Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
