so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
someone owes me an orgasm
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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