When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
