***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
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