Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
