You just made me feel so damn special
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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