Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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