I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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