My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Send help, water and tortillas.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
