you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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