i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
