someone owes me an orgasm
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
