there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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