Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
