I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
the raccoons are back...
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