I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
