Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
