I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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