The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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