Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
