i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
