He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
