if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize