Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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