I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
