Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
