why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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