Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
