im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
