God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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