is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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