Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
