32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
