I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
