i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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