When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
