All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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