Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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