And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
ugly people sure do ruin things
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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